The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world. ~Marianne Williamson
*Dictionary.com: Forgiveness: (1) act of forgiving; state of being forgiven (2) disposition or willingness to forgive
Compliments: Freedom, Joy, Peace
Transcends: Revenge, Anger, Bitterness
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What is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is to release the need to be right, even if we know we are and to focus, not on our anger, but on what’s possible for ourselves and others if we make amends. When we forgive, no matter how difficult, we experience freedom from our pain and sorrow and become people who are more love-based rather than fear-based, creating a better world. Ask to be forgiven, forgive others, and forgive yourself because peace cannot exist without forgiveness.
Ask Yourself:
Who have I not forgiven in my life?
What is preventing you from forgiving that person?
Is there someone who you are seeking forgiveness from?
Practice Forgiveness
- Forgive the little things.
One of the best ways to practice forgiveness, according to Dr. Fred Luskin, a pioneer in forgiveness and author of Forgive for Good, is to start by forgiving the little things that come up in life. For example, a rude sales clerk, the neighbor whose dog dug-up your yard, your child for spilling juice on the new carpet, your boss for not appreciating a difficult project you completed, and the traffic that made you late for an appointment. Our expectations of people and situations can set us up for great disappointment. By expecting so much and then being let down when things don’t go our way, creates a cycle of blame and frustration that wastes our time and never changes anything. Injustices happen and if we don’t distinguish that we can practice forgiveness as a way of dealing with them, then we become stuck in our negative feelings, causing stress and making us unpleasant to be around.So how can we start to forgive? The next time you come across a situation where you would typically blame a person, stop for a moment and think about that situation from a place of love. Neale Donald Walsh said, “At the critical juncture in all human relationships, there is only one question: What would love do now?” Our natural response to people who have hurt us is to react defensively and righteously. If we look at the situation through eyes of love, then a shift occurs within us, and we become more compassionate and tolerant of people and situations. This, in turn, has us feeling less badly and more empowered and in control of the life. Love-based thinking as opposed to fear-based thinking takes some practice because our natural bias is towards fear, but as we become more aware of our reactions and work to change them, it starts to become easier resulting in more lasting joy and peace in life.
- Write a forgiveness letter to someone who has hurt you.
Forgiving people can be difficult and challenging, especially if they abused or attacked you, or someone you love. Writing a letter to someone who has hurt you could be the first step in moving on. Writing can help to reflect on the situation and express your hurt feelings, allowing you to release what has been bottled up inside you and to see things more clearly.Start by sitting quietly and visualizing the person you are in conflict with, how he or she has offended you, and what you would like to say to them. Take a few deep, relaxing breaths and picture yourself expressing your truth openly to the person. Then see the person really listening to you and acknowledging your pain.
When you are ready, come back to the present moment and write a heartfelt letter to that person. Now choose to send the letter or not. If you do send the letter, keep in mind that reconciliation or even a response may not come, and you may not even want it anyway, but at least you have begun the process of healing and completing the past.
- Ask for forgiveness.
Have you hurt someone? Perhaps you had an affair, criticized someone badly, or haven’t been your word with someone. Whether the hurt you caused was intentional or not, commit to asking the person you have wronged for forgiveness. This can be done in person or, a less confrontational way, can be done by writing a letter.The main purpose of asking for forgiveness is to take responsibility for your actions and to show remorse and the sadness you may feel. This vulnerability helps to resolve and complete the relationship between you and the person you hurt, even if it’s never done in person. When you make amends, talk about your sadness and remorse, and try to focus on the hurt you caused rather than the hurt they may have caused you back. The purpose of asking for forgiveness is for your healing.
Also, let them know, especially if you are writing a letter, that they do not need to respond unless, of course, they choose to. Be clear that you want to express your regret and take responsibility for the harm you caused. Keep in mind that you are doing this for yourself as a way to complete the relationship with someone you harmed so that you can be at peace.
- Become a hero in your own life story.
Dr. Wayne Dyer, internationally renowned author and speaker in the field of self-development, forgave his father who had abandoned him when he was a little boy. As an adult and never knowing his father, he went to his father’s grave and stomped on it, still angry but, in the final few minutes he was there, something came over him. While standing at his father’s grave, this thought emerged: “From this moment on I send you love, and I forgive you for everything that you have done.” He said that when he walked away from the grave, everything in his life changed. At the time, Dr. Dyer was overweight, drinking too much, and was in a bad relationship. His writing was not doing the things he had wanted. But after this “act of forgiveness,” his whole life took off. He wrote the book Erroneous Zones, which became a worldwide best-seller 14 days after he wrote it. He stopped drinking and got back into shape. He also started attracting the right people into his life. His life transformed when he forgave.Dr. Dyer changed the course of his life by turning his victim story into a hero story. Think about where you are remaining a victim by not forgiving, and work to change your story to be a heroic one. You may start by changing your thinking. Dr. Luskin describes a victim story as: “Look at what life did to me, and I’ll never recover,” as opposed to a hero story: “Look at what life did to me and look how well I’ve coped with it.” Move away from the victim mentality! Release the power this person, who you have not forgiven, has over you as Dr. Dyer did. His act of forgiveness allowed him to transform his life in an extraordinary way. To think that this man who has inspired millions through his life’s work could have spent years in pain over his father, while experiencing average results in his life is inconceivable. Forgiving people can profoundly change your life as it did with Dr. Dyer’s. With the words, “I forgive you,” you can create a more purposeful and authentic life.
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Download a notebook friendly PDF version of this practice here.
*Note: Dictionary.com is based on the Random House Dictionary © Random House, Inc. 2006.
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